Essay "Advice that Might be Worth a Damn"

by Patrick Whitman

Never have sex with anyone you think might be crazy.

Never invite the cabdriver in, no matter how cool he may seem.

People are no more trustworthy for saying "trust me.”

Before attempting stunts, ask yourself this question --

"How's this gonna sound in the emergency room?"

Mediterranean dudes aged 40+ are the best barbers.

Avoid student politics.

Before attempting to lie, it's useful to ponder the following --

"Will this hold up in court"?

Your voice is horrible on tape, but beautiful in the shower.

The preceding remark contains inaccuracy.

Fall in love with a redhead at least once.

Find out who influenced the people who influence you.

Do not shave off your eyebrows.

I cannot stress this enough. Never shave off your eyebrows.

Black choirs good, white choirs bad.

Smartmouthing cops isn't actually that smart.

Don't just assume you can swim that far.

The Adam's apple can be a helpful indicator of gender.

Life is shitty sometimes, but it's not like we live in Rwanda.

The movie won't be as good as the book, but the trailer might.

In Australia, jokes about sex with animals are acceptable in mainstream

culture so long as they involve New Zealanders rooting sheep.

All comedy involving the parody of advertisements or science fiction is

old.

Never ascribe to conspiracy what can be put down to stupidity.

You can't pick your own nickname.

Christmas is most annoying during your twenties.

You can be an Atheist or a Satanist, but you can't be both.

Drink more water.